nyagosstar: (Default)
Grief is a strange thing.

I mean, it's been more than a year now. Being back in PA with E has definitely helped, but things still hit me, stupid things that just come out of the blue.

This weekend was the birthday of E's twin niece and nephew, who are by extension, sort of mine. E was working, so I went to the party on my own, which was surprisingly good. I mean, they all know me and like me and I am able to hang out without too much awkwardness beyond my, you know, natural awkwardness. It was fun and cute and then one of the twins gave her dad a hug, and thanked him for her presents and I nearly lost it. I managed to hold myself together because I was in public and surprised by my reaction.

Shortly after my dad died, I was filling in at a store where I was friendly with the GM to help them prep for inventory. I'd already given my notice and pretty much everyone knew why I was leaving. We were talking a little bit about what I was going to do and how I was feeling and she said to me, "You will never get over this." And I was floored and upset and didn't know what to say. It seemed insane to me that I would still feel the same way in a year or two years or ten years. She's lost her parents something like ten years before and she was telling me I'd never get over this loss.

Given a little distance, a little perspective that I just couldn't have last year, I think I can say that she was wrong. At least in part. I am changed by this, absolutely, but I am also able to move forward.

IDK, apparently if you want anything other than sad ruminations, you should be watching my tumblr. Thanks LJ for your cheap therapy.
nyagosstar: (so glad i met you)
The other night I finished the second installment of the Chaos Walking series, The Ask and the Answer. I am completely blown away by these books. I thought there was no where to go after the end of The Knife of Never Letting Go. I thought we had seen the worst that this world could do and then, and then it got worse. It’s a brilliantly beautiful study of what happens to people, especially young people when they’re thrown into terrible situations where they don’t know who to trust and who’s telling the truth. It’s an amazingly crafted slide into the murkiness of right and wrong and it just shines.

This is not to say the books aren’t harsh and brutal and grim—I’m actually very pleased I didn’t finish reading this one during my lunch break at work because I would have cried and there would have been awkward explaining to do—because they are, but they’re beautiful as well. Kind of in the way the Octavian Nothing books broke me apart, but in a good way.

The third is due sometime in Sept and I’m hoping to get my hands on an early copy, but that’s still sort of up in the air. If I had it, I would tear through it instantly, but then again, the wait is probably good for me. I haven’t devoured something like this in such a long time that I’m afraid of what it’s going to do for the state of my reading for the rest of the year. When I’ve read something that I loved so much, it kind of kills my desire to read anything else for a while. We’ll see.

Also randomly in the ‘people who look like other people’ file, did anyone else think that Lady Gaga looks kind of like Billie Piper on the cover of the new Vanity Fair? Or that the woman on the cover of the Red Queen book looks a lot like Dru from Buffy?

i ask you

Apr. 18th, 2010 11:54 pm
nyagosstar: (i'd alway pick lizard)
what is the virtue of the number lock key?

seriously. take a look at your number pad. with the number lock on, you can use the numbers. with the number lock off, not a single one of those functions/symbols is unrepresented on another section of your keyboard.

so, i ask you: what is the virtue of the number lock key other than to accidentally get unlocked and for me to not notice until i've already typed a long series of numbers.

in other news, pennsylvania has finally defeated me, i think, in my long and smug battle over allergies. the pollen count is so high this year that i finally has a first hand understanding of why everyone else hates spring. if this is what it's like for people with real allergies all year long i'm so, so sorry. this is the stupidest aspect of human evolution i think i've ever seen.
nyagosstar: (books)
This morning I’m going to talk about random things and books that I’ve read while I sort of suss out some other stuff that I’m working on in my brain.

I finally have the (new) version of word on my computer, now that there is a newer version coming out this year. Future, check out how hip I am to you. It’s hard for me not to hate it because it’s new and not my familiar word. Like right now, how I can’t figure out how to keep it from putting a double space between each paragraph. What’s up with that, yo?

It is actually warm enough here that I can walk around the apt complex in the mornings without worrying about dying of hypothermia or sliding on ice, or falling into piles of snow in a Hoth-like manner. I've missed listening to the Savage Love podcas--it is never not funny.

This week, I managed to finish a couple books. I read the first memoir that Josh Kilmer-Purcell wrote and I’m so glad that I read The Bucolic Plague before I read I’m Not Myself These Days. It’s not that it’s a bad book, it’s not. It’s charmingly written and funny, but the life he was living left me feeling distressed and I don’t know. Worried, maybe? Anyway, I like knowing that things turned out better, that the excessive alcohol and crack stopped and he ended up farming with goats instead.

No less worrying was This World We Live In by Susan Beth Pfeffer which is the third book to follow Life as We Knew It and the dead and the gone all of which are about what happens when an asteroid hits the moon harder than anyone expected, moving it closer to the earth and the ensuing chaos. If I were less lazy, I would link back to previous posts about these books, assuming I have them here and I didn't read them in the random and intermittent times when I didn't talk about books I'd read.

The first book was hard to read but ultimately very good. The second book was so soul destroying to read I honestly couldn’t think of a single person I could recommend it to without an offer of therapy after. The third is a good blending of the two, slightly less harrowing, and more about how groups of people cling together to survive instead of the horrible way we all fall apart. Terrible things still happen, and I still cried like a little girl at the end, but it was kind of nice to see everyone again, even though the circumstances seemed a little far fetched and it had been so long since I’d read the books, it took me a while to remember who everyone was.

All in all, not a bad run, but I’m hoping the books I have in my reading queue will knock me over. I love being surprised by books.

Oh, and I'm still loving the new Who. I find the new Doctor charming and surprisingly not!young even though he's like, twelve in RL. The stories continue to be cool and interesting and i love Amy, though I've loved all the companions, so that was never much of a worry. It's been suitably creepy and the Doctor is still sad, which makes me love him. I'm hoping for an awesome rest of the season.

I'm still totally over the Daleks, though.
nyagosstar: (roy wtf face)
have you seen the ridiculous quantity of box sets that i own? have you not been with me when we watched a show, end to end more than once? have you not been with me in the HOURS i've invested in the shows that i really, really love?

then why, why is it that i have a Bones dream? i've seen about four random, nonconsecutive episodes over the last three weeks.

Bones? really?
nyagosstar: (golden swirl)
and while i liked it and thought it was well done, way better than the reviews led me to believe that it would be it made me think thinky thoughts, but not, i think about what the makers of the movie wanted me to think about.

i am not what i would think of as a classic pacifist. i believe that there are things worth fighting for and i believe that there are things that you have to fight for the protect. to believe that diplomacy can solve everything is a nice idea but not very practical.

however, whenever i see movies like avatar, or the lord of the rings movies, where i'm very clearly supposed to feel strongly for one side of the fight and feel good when that side starts killing more people than the bad guys i never feel that way. instead, i end up crying a lot for all of the dead people because there are never winners in battle. everyone who is dead still ends up dead and i have a hard time seeing the glory in battle, just the death. i'm never overwhelmed with the happy 'we won' euphoria that i'm supposed to feel and i always wonder how many other people feel the same way.

anyway, none of this is very clear in my head and i feel like i've done a poor job explaining it, but i'm still working my way through it.
nyagosstar: (emma)
just got home from seeing brideshead revisited. here are my thoughts on this:

in general it was probably, visually speaking, one of the must stunning films i've seen in a long time. the screen practically had a texture. emma thompson = love. seriously. i love her so hard core it's a little embarrassing. the opening shots of oxford teared me up a bit because, you know, i lived there and it still fills me with a glow when i see it. also, dumbledore will sadly be dumbledore in every thing i see him in forever and ever.

however. i find it difficult to empathize with the plight of rich, landed british gentry. mostly due to the rich and landed bits. and the poor guy became rich AND made emma thompson cry. NO LOVE

and then let's talk about gay british stereotypes. because gay clearly = weak and alcoholic and weepy. i know, i understand you're working from source material, you base what you have on what's come before in the form of the novel but for the love of god, could we have a little civilization.

but on the whole, lovely. and it was beautifully scored as an added bonus. because you can take the girl out of the band but you never take the band out of the girl

and then, when i got in my car to drive home? there had been enough time for an industrious spider to build a web from my door handle to the ground. how freaking cool is that. i did get a branch and help him on to a more appropriate location.


nyagosstar: (Default)

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