nyagosstar: (Default)
any time i make a resolution to use this journal more, i end up making one long post and then pfft, nothing for a week or more. welcome to my life, hello!

as of 4pm this afternoon, i officially started my vacation. i'll be flying home to visit with my family in the morning where i have six full days to kick around my parents house in the tiny, empty lame town of my birth. it'll be really good to see everyone, though. my mom was here to visit last september, but i haven't seen anyone else from the fam since sept two years ago. i have a nephew who's almost a year and a half that i'll be meeting for the first time. i already shipped the insane amount of picture books that i've been collecting for him since before he was born. it feels so good to get them out of the apartment.

E is coming with me and is meeting everyone other than my mother for the first time as well. if she's nervous, she's doing a really good job of hiding it. i would be nervous, they're all really excited to meet her and will likely deluge her with questions for days. mostly, though, i'm really looking forward to being lazy with her for six days in the sun.

while i'm at my parents house, i'll have limited internets as they have regressed to the 19th century and don't have internet. or cable. i don't know what the hell we're going to do for six days as my family isn't the super chatty type. i think it's going to be a lot of beaching (read: burning) and reading. the number of books i've packed for myself is ridiculous.

i still have some packing left to do and our plane leaves ass early in the morning, but all in all? i'm super excited not to be at work and am totally ready for a break.
nyagosstar: (Default)
when the hell did you get here?

now that it's a new month i'm taking a day. i'm taking a day from my nano project as it is no longer december and i just need a day. the final november word count ended at 50687 because there may have been a little wine with my dinner which made me unexpectedly sleepy. still, a pretty good showing by all accounts.

i didn't get to talk about thanksgiving which was both good and heartbreaking by turns. the last couple of years i've gone home for the holiday, but decided that this year it was just too hard. i work in retail. this means i am obliged to work black friday and the turn around time for getting back here was brutal.

i ended up spending the evening with some friends as i'm still not on great terms with the friend i've been doing holiday stuff with for the last couple years. but it was still good. the heartbreak was when my parents called. my dad was good as always, we chatted, he mocked me for being cold while they were outside grilling oyters. my mom, on the other hand, sounded like she was going to cry and i suddenly wanted nothing more than to be HOME.

i very, very briefly entertained flying home for christmas, but it would be about 500 dollars for two days because i'm contracted to work both christmas eve and the day after christmas. it was a nice thought, but not really feasible.

so, i'm taking a break today, but i'm back at it tomorrow with the hope to be finished by mid-december. we've noted before how insane it is for me to attempt these things in december while working retail, but i'm going to give it a go. goals are good.
nyagosstar: (helena squee)
because i got good news. we got good news. the best news possible. my dad is fine. he, in fact, does not have cancer. he has fantastically bad acid reflux that has eaten two holes in his esophagus. so, no more coffee, which is sad because he lives on it, and he has to take some pills, but you know, considering the alternative, that's the fucking best news ever.

my question is, though, how does one, as a doctor, look at something and tell a person 'hey, i think you have cancer.' to three weeks later saying 'hey, you've got acid reflux.' because i'm pretty sure that medically, they are dissimilar. i don't have a medical license, mind, but i've been told.

i'm processing the news now and trying to reconcile the total bitch i've been for the past three weeks and feeling more than a little silly about the whole thing. i mean, i know if it had gone the other way, those feeling would have been justified and i suppose they still are, but now i feel like an overly dramatic drama queen who's been hell to be around since the beginning of the month.

but all that aside, it's cool because my dad is fine.
nyagosstar: (Default)
usually, when i have something big sitting in my head, swirling around and around, it helps me to put it to paper, or in this case to type so that i can get it out of my head and instead have it live elsewhere.

i don't know if that technique is going to help so much.

cut for my flist who don't read my journal for my personal shit )
nyagosstar: (Default)
last night was my writing group, and it was the best one we've had in months. everyone was there, along with a new person, and we actually wrote something, instead of eating and playing board games. not that i'm opposed to eating and playing board games. but we are a writing group, not a board game playing group, and it felt really good to write.

the interesting thing is that we used the fanfic 100 table as our writing prompt, because, well i'm a little obsessed with it at the moment. i mean, i'm not going to do it, because i'm not out of my mind and also all the good people have already been taken, but i do like the prompts. i think sarah and i are going to use them for our original fic instead to keep us writing while the editing process continues.

also, my brother, who i always sort of picture in my head as 24, which can't be right because i'm 26 and he's older, is 30 today. it seems so strange and such a grown up number. i mean, yeah, he's married and they have a house and stuff, but thirty seemed such a long way away when we were little. and as much as he used to torture me as a kid, there were some really good times too, especially once we got over the fighting part. he turned out to be a way better guy than i would have thought when i was say, ten years old.

i wish i could be there. it's times like this, birthdays, holidays, occasions that i really feel the distance and wish that it could be as easy as hoping in the car and driving ten minutes to see them. but instead, it involves planes and time off work and money, all of which are in short order at the moment. so instead, i have a phone call to make.
nyagosstar: (Default)
so today is my mom's birthday, i did the good thing and called as soon as i got up, and holy shit, i was the first phone call of the day. usually andrew outshines me by actually being there, bastard that his is living only an hour or so away from my parents. but this year, i got to be the good kid. i think it's the first time in, well, since i moved to pa.

sarah and i are working out way back through west wing again. it's sad and a little obsessive, but aaron sorkin's writing does that to me sometimes. it's so nuanced and precise that i can watch an ep that he's written twenty, thirty times and still find new things. it also makes me sad that this is an utter lack of sam/toby out there. there's enough sam/josh to kill someone, but where is the toby love? he's like the snape of the west wing. come on, people. it has everything i love is slash, one older, one younger, one cranky, one optimistic. there's the mentor/teacher relationship that i fall all over myself for, come on. someone for the love of god jump on this train.

and in other boring and nerd-like news More book-y goodness )
nyagosstar: (Default)
Well, okay, maybe hate is a bit of a strong word. i mean, internet access while stupid piece of shit samuel has none. that's good. being able to write on the laptop, that's good. but not having samuel working properly is not good. i don't like it. i miss my own keyboard, and my backgrounds and my music and a myriad of other things that i can't think of right now, but know that i miss them. dearly.

part of the problem is that i haven't given it to anyone to fix yet, because well, sometimes i'm not so bright. i keep thinking that i'm magically going to acquire the skills to fix it on my own, or that it will suddenly start working. i don't know what is wrong with me sometimes, as i know the likelihood of this happening is actually less than me winning the lottery or being hit by lightening.

so not being able to be online means that i'm finding all other kinds of ways to amuse myself. for instance, the game that someone from work let me borrow for one of my game consoles is nearly done. it's a four disc game and i'm nearing the end of disc three. in addition, i've been reading like a crazy person. part of that has been that i've actually hit upon a good string of books that i actually like as opposed to the shit i've been subjecting myself to lately.

skip this part, those of you not giving a shit about what i've been reading )

and in addition, i saw batman begins, which was amazingly good. a batman movie with a plot, who would have thought? and howl's moving castle, which was also really good. i wanted the ending to be sadder, but was overall very pleased. this is what is wrong with american animation, not only that it isn't 2d anymore, but also because the plotting sucks. take a lesson from the movies you're distributing, disney. they can have plots and everything.

so that's my big fat update in the land of no computer

oh, and the day after i whined about my parents not sending me a card, a big box came from my mom and dad with a cute card about being late and lots of cool, fun things. i feel better, but still a little weird i guess because i let it get to me so much, and why didn't they just tell me they were going to be late instead of not saying anything and making me think i'd done something wrong. honestly.

wtf mind?

Jun. 10th, 2005 11:04 am
nyagosstar: (Default)
this has been preying on my mind for about a week now, exactly a week, now that i think about it. i've been trying to process, i've written out other things that have been bothering my in a paper journal, and that helps, so i figure i should give this a go. sometimes all it takes is to put it on paper so it stops spinning in my brain and spins on the paper for a while.

writing is a strange experience, it gives me distance and perspective and it also involves and consumes me. but that's a topic for another day.

what's really bothering me is that while i got birthday wishes from lots of people, more this year than in the last couple, which is cool, i didn't even get a card from my parents. they called, which was nice, but i was working and missed it. i always get something from them, even if it's something small and silly and always a card. i didn't get anything this year and even though it makes me feel shallow and stupid, i can't stop thinking about it.

i've been running it through in my mind, did i do something wrong? are they angry with me? i feel like a little kid, did i do something bad, am i bad?

wtf, i'm 26 years old now, i shouldn't be feeling this way about my parents, who have been really pretty good to me my whole life and making me feel generally good about myself. this small thing shouldn't knock me on my ass like this, but it's been a week now and i just. it hurts, and i'm mad at myself for letting it hurt me.

i think this is why i don't like keeping journals, they always make me feel overly self involved, it's all about me, and that makes me feel really shallow and self absorbed.

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December 2012

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