Oct. 3rd, 2012

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Grief is a strange thing.

I mean, it's been more than a year now. Being back in PA with E has definitely helped, but things still hit me, stupid things that just come out of the blue.

This weekend was the birthday of E's twin niece and nephew, who are by extension, sort of mine. E was working, so I went to the party on my own, which was surprisingly good. I mean, they all know me and like me and I am able to hang out without too much awkwardness beyond my, you know, natural awkwardness. It was fun and cute and then one of the twins gave her dad a hug, and thanked him for her presents and I nearly lost it. I managed to hold myself together because I was in public and surprised by my reaction.

Shortly after my dad died, I was filling in at a store where I was friendly with the GM to help them prep for inventory. I'd already given my notice and pretty much everyone knew why I was leaving. We were talking a little bit about what I was going to do and how I was feeling and she said to me, "You will never get over this." And I was floored and upset and didn't know what to say. It seemed insane to me that I would still feel the same way in a year or two years or ten years. She's lost her parents something like ten years before and she was telling me I'd never get over this loss.

Given a little distance, a little perspective that I just couldn't have last year, I think I can say that she was wrong. At least in part. I am changed by this, absolutely, but I am also able to move forward.

IDK, apparently if you want anything other than sad ruminations, you should be watching my tumblr. Thanks LJ for your cheap therapy.

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December 2012

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