Sep. 12th, 2012

On my way

Sep. 12th, 2012 06:09 pm
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Things have changed since we last spoke.

Considering it’s been more than a year since my last post, you’d think that’d be something of a given, but sometimes the best way to start is to state the obvious.

After my dad died, my girlfriend and I made an emotional and quick decision. I’m not saying it was a bad one, not even now, but it was emotional and not well thought out. We left the apartment, moved 1100 miles and set up shop with my mom. I couldn’t stand the thought of her by herself in the house, having to deal with the reality of my dad being gone, medical bills she didn’t know how to pay, a yard and home to take care of and the myriad of everyday things that seemed so insurmountable in the face of grief.

I don’t know how much good I’ve managed to do over this past year. It feels like very little most times when I think about it, like I spent a year keeping everyone from moving on. My brother and my mom talk about how it’s good for my mom to learn to live by herself, how to process things on her own and it mostly feels like I wasted by time and energy coming here in the first place. I have a lot of feelings surrounding this topic to unpack and I think it’s going to be a long time before I feel like I can do so with any sort of clarity.

And that’s okay. It has to be.

Because in ten days, our shit will be packed in my car and I’ll be making the long drive back to PA. I remembered Florida being miserable. The small town I’m from quiet and awful. But I remembered these things through the eyes of a child and young adult. As an adult, even though I sure as hell don’t feel like one, it’s significantly worse. This town has always been too small for me, this state too narrow-minded. It’s a whole other thing to realize as an adult that according to the Southern Poverty Law Center there is an active branch of the KKK five miles from your house. To worry about the possibility of being fired from a job because I’m a lesbian. To listen to the active hate from the most surprising and unassuming people.

It’s been a year that included the death of my cat Simon, which is something so much worse than I ever really expected. It was a year of watching the lives of my friends move forward and onward and upward while I felt lost and stuck and withering. It was a year of sadness and arguments and anger. It was a year of The Avengers, the RNC, the DNC, more heat than I ever remembered bearing.

It’s been a hard year, in many ways, and I keep thinking that each year is going to be better. That this year is finally going to be the year that isn’t soul suckingly awful. I, stupidly perhaps, have hopes for 2013.

It’s at least guaranteed to have fewer tropical sized cockroaches and spiders. Florida is gross, yo and I can’t wait to be done with it.


I’ve started a tumblr, because, apparently, I love drama? I’m easily influenced? I need something to fill my time? I have the same name, so it’s easy to find me if you’re so inclined. If any of you are over there and want to be tumblr friends stop by, it will be awesome! I’ll still be posting here, just mostly fic, I think. I haven’t decided.

Anyway, how have you all been?

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December 2012

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